ive got an exam coming in a couple of days. im woefully unprepared, and yet i dont feel.. pressured? scared? i dunno. compared to A levels this exam is alot harder, and has more consequences if i fail but somehow.. i just dont feel the NEED to do very well anymore, no desire to achieve results that everyone else seem so concerned with.. i wonder why..

singaporeans are usually scared of losing out, most of them dont want to really go all out and be the first, be the best or whatever, they are just scared of losing to their neighbours, their friends, losing respect etc. its not a desire to win, its a desire to not lose that drives ppl to work hard.. however.. i dun really bother that much anymore.. is it because in life.. you can never truly win or lose? in a competition theres 1 winner and hundreds of losers.. so in life theres 1 winner and 5.9 billion losers? guess not. so that means to be a winner in life, it is depedant on your own expectations out of yourself...?

i guess i have horribly low expectations out of myself =) that way im always a winner, and thats whats count isnt it? hah! i guess its because i no longer have a proper goal to work towards, an achievable target that i can set myself, or that other ppl have set for me. alot of things dont really mean much to me anymore, like money, prestige, reputation, grades.. so what exactly am i here for? what exactly is my purpose? i have no idea.

after working to achieve this nameless entity, i guess i have finally made it.. a nameless person, just like anyone and everyone else on the street. no one would care about a person who has no name to them, and thats reality. ive worked to lose myself, and i finally have, a directionless, nameless person. a clean slate.

the next stage, is the start of something new.