i have rationally come to the decision that basically theres a very slim chance of me ever getting together with X. all those non-confirmed excuses.. i think just a gentle way of putting me down and not some evil scheme of hers bah.. at least i hope so! i would still like to think thats shes still a nice girl..
but course theres this undeniable feeling of being played out, pulled by the nose and taken for a ride.. who wouldnt? after surfing around for some time, i stumbled upon
http://www.joelogon.com/platonic/ which is pretty much a gathering of similarly fated losers sharing their experiences. and indeed im a loser, for now theres only 3 options available.
- stick around like the idiot ive been, relying on false hope
- remain friendly, and torture myself in her presence
- quietly distance myself and look like a jerk
in any case, its pretty much a lose-lose situation. option 3 seems to be in the works now, cos the recent amount of communication has been steadily dropping.. i really dun care what she thinks of it, she probably doesnt have a very high opinion of me anyway.
while all this self-bashing has been going on, i seem to be getting more and more bitter. is it my fault, or is it hers? maybe what ppl have been telling me all along are correct.. i still remember J1 telling me to tell her early instead of dragging it on.. J2 telling me shes not worth it..
i always thought it wasnt the correct time, since we were busy etc, but then again when will it be the time then? it was only after going out of the country for so long that made me think about it thoroughly, and realised that it is time to settle that nagging doubt in my mind, regardless of the answer.
the best time is always now, and its only after so long that i have realised this. if you really like a person, and the feeling is mutual, time and circumstance largely will not matter, for you will want to work out the problems hindering you, instead of using them as excuses. this comes from the reasons she gave.. if she was truly interested in me, she would probably have wanted to work out the kinks, instead of bringing them up as excuses to make everything sound nice and dandy.
at least now the situation has come to a close, and i can move on. i doubt i can take another round of fear, apprehension, suspicion, false hopes and finally the dismay at the end of it.. all the time spent.. well i wouldnt call it wasted, but it was definitely invested wrongly, a price to pay for my folly. can i honestly say that i knew the real you? that all that you told me is truth and not dalliance? probably not, seeing the situation now.
it also dawned upon me how much emphasis i put on her that i neglected all the other girls that were around as well.. well she surely never had that sort of problem heh. its bad for my social health, but then again being a WoW player and a nerd doesnt really help either. this post is getting more emo and QQ by the minute, and i guess i really should wrap up..
though i feel really bitter, i still can bring myself to think too badly of you, and still wish you all the best in your efforts to hook up men, which you seem to be working on pretty well. may you find true happiness, i know im still a long way from mine.. and by the way, you really are a clueless dolt you know?
lol. good bye.
